There are so many many things I want for my sweet Ella Kate. Lately, I've been thinking about it a lot.
Here is a list of the things that I want for Ella:
Want
Pain
Hunger
Sadness
Loneliness
Heartache
Sounds like a crazy list of things to want for such a tiny little person. And it's not a list that I want to inflict upon her myself. Hearing her cry is one of the hardest things I have to do right now. Knowing that I can't always give her exactly what she wants is next to impossible. Leaving her to go to work everyday? Heartbreaking.
But at some point in her life, I want her to have all of the things listed above. Not necessarily all at once, and not in huge amounts, but I won't ever be able to control that.
I want her to feel want. Without want, she'll never know comfort and happiness. Having a deep want not met, or having to wait on it being met, will allow her to feel the joy that comes with experiencing the fulfillment of that want.
I want her to feel pain. It's unavoidable. I want her to know what it feels like to hurt so that she will develop compassion for others who are hurt and can empathize for those who are in pain.
I want her to feel hunger. And that's hard for me to say, because I hate hunger! But I don't just mean hunger in a physical sense, I also mean in a spiritual sense. I want her to hunger and thirst for knowledge and compassion and guidance. I want her to seek God and want to know Him.
I want her to feel sadness. In order to truly appreciate the highs in life, she will also have to experience the lows in life.
I want her to feel loneliness. Of course I would love for her to be sorrounded by friends, but I want her to learn to discern who those friends are, and learn who to trust and whose influence to follow. At some point, she will have to feel loneliness and seek out the best friends.
I want her to feel heartache. This one is the hardest. Especially right now when she has such a tiny, pure heart. But I know that she will fall in "love" many times. There will be many boys (sorry, Daddy!) who she will adore, who may not adore her back. And that's okay. Even more important than choosing her friends, her heart will need to seek God's choice for her future mate. And sometimes that means she will have heartache. And I know that it will make her love for her perfect match even greater.
I always thought that I'd want only comfort, luxury, and total happiness for my children... and then there was Ella.
He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich He has sent away empty.
Luke 1:53
Monday, March 2, 2015
Saturday, July 19, 2014
A Special Note on Sleep Training
This is a process that will take several nights to really get into the stride, but be strong and commit to it, and you will have your mommy trained in no time.
Please remember that it's very unnecessary for mommies to get too much sleep or for them to eat hot meals at normal times. Mommies need our help, as babies, to make sure that these two critical things never happen consistently.
Like I said, this will take several nights.
On the first night, you should act sleepy at a normal time. Allow your mommy to nurse you for about twenty minutes, and gracefully fall asleep. Allow her to lay you down, eat her dinner at a normal dinner time, and then sleep for about eight hours. A good night to start would be a night when daddy is home, so that he thinks she's crazy when she says you have a hard time getting to sleep.
You can repeat this step for several nights to get mommy into a false sense of security. However, you don't want to exceed three nights in a row. You may develop a habit yourself of sleeping through the night and going to bed without fuss, and then the whole process is ruined!
The next part of the process is where it gets interesting. I will lay it out for you step by step.
Step One:
Get cranky at an odd time. 5:45 seems to work well. It's too early to go to bed, but also too late for a nap. Your mommy will be really confused and have to try to figure out how to appease you. She will inevitably take her time getting you ready for bed, attempt to read a book (don't fall for this!), and finally just begin to nurse you in hopes that you will fall asleep and stay asleep.
Step Two:
Nurse for three hours. Seriously. No less than three hours. If the milk is taken away, it is your absolute right to completely lose your mind. There is no excuse for the milk being taken away.
Step Three:
After the three hours, act like you are asleep.
Step Four:
Give your mommy about ten minutes. Then, roll over onto your belly and scream your head off. Make sure to flail around. Bonus points if you also stick an arm or leg through the bars on your crib. This really freaks mommies out.
Step Five:
Allow mommy to nurse you for another ten to twenty minutes. Act like you are asleep. Again. You may repeat this step as many times as you deem necessary.
Step Six:
After twenty minutes, your mommy will surely think that she can eat something. Make sure that it is late enough that she has resorted to microwaving something that was prepared earlier or something like a Hungry Man meal that she will shamefully eat in about four bites. As soon as you hear the beeping of the microwave, start the screaming process again.
Step Seven:
This is very important. When your mommy comes to check on you (because you've already proven that you are absolutely "helpless" and could possibly be on your belly with half of your body dangling out of the crib), smile and laugh. Bonus points for a happy squeal. They like that. A lot.
Step Eight:
When your mommy FINALLY allows you to come back out of the bedroom so she can eat, make sure you give her this face:
She can't resist that face.
I hope that sleep training your mommy (or daddy) goes just as well for you as it has for me.
Love always,
Ella Kate
Please remember that it's very unnecessary for mommies to get too much sleep or for them to eat hot meals at normal times. Mommies need our help, as babies, to make sure that these two critical things never happen consistently.
Like I said, this will take several nights.
On the first night, you should act sleepy at a normal time. Allow your mommy to nurse you for about twenty minutes, and gracefully fall asleep. Allow her to lay you down, eat her dinner at a normal dinner time, and then sleep for about eight hours. A good night to start would be a night when daddy is home, so that he thinks she's crazy when she says you have a hard time getting to sleep.
You can repeat this step for several nights to get mommy into a false sense of security. However, you don't want to exceed three nights in a row. You may develop a habit yourself of sleeping through the night and going to bed without fuss, and then the whole process is ruined!
The next part of the process is where it gets interesting. I will lay it out for you step by step.
Step One:
Get cranky at an odd time. 5:45 seems to work well. It's too early to go to bed, but also too late for a nap. Your mommy will be really confused and have to try to figure out how to appease you. She will inevitably take her time getting you ready for bed, attempt to read a book (don't fall for this!), and finally just begin to nurse you in hopes that you will fall asleep and stay asleep.
Step Two:
Nurse for three hours. Seriously. No less than three hours. If the milk is taken away, it is your absolute right to completely lose your mind. There is no excuse for the milk being taken away.
Step Three:
After the three hours, act like you are asleep.
Step Four:
Give your mommy about ten minutes. Then, roll over onto your belly and scream your head off. Make sure to flail around. Bonus points if you also stick an arm or leg through the bars on your crib. This really freaks mommies out.
Step Five:
Allow mommy to nurse you for another ten to twenty minutes. Act like you are asleep. Again. You may repeat this step as many times as you deem necessary.
Step Six:
After twenty minutes, your mommy will surely think that she can eat something. Make sure that it is late enough that she has resorted to microwaving something that was prepared earlier or something like a Hungry Man meal that she will shamefully eat in about four bites. As soon as you hear the beeping of the microwave, start the screaming process again.
Step Seven:
This is very important. When your mommy comes to check on you (because you've already proven that you are absolutely "helpless" and could possibly be on your belly with half of your body dangling out of the crib), smile and laugh. Bonus points for a happy squeal. They like that. A lot.
Step Eight:
When your mommy FINALLY allows you to come back out of the bedroom so she can eat, make sure you give her this face:
She can't resist that face.
I hope that sleep training your mommy (or daddy) goes just as well for you as it has for me.
Love always,
Ella Kate
Thursday, June 5, 2014
ThanksLiving Thursday: My Little Work Out Buddy
I was all set to write about something entirely different that I was thankful for today, BUT then something funny happened, and I thought I'd need to blog about it while I was still in the moment.
I'll set up the scene:
It was bright and sunny outside. A few fluffy white clouds dotted the sky. The weather was wonderful. The news was playing on the TV, and I recall hearing something in the background about some storms, but I was sure the warnings did not apply to me. I said the weather was wonderful, right?
(This is where, if we were reading this story in my ELA class, I would hope the students would recognize the foreshadowing that something ironic is about to happen... hit ya with two literary terms there!)
So anyway, I decide that I really want to go ALL the way around the neighborhood, instead of just around the block a couple of times. After all, the weather was wonderful. (<--alliteration.)
And, as I'm putting on my running shoes, I realize I really should take the dogs. Both of them. I never take both of them. But I was going to take both of them. And the baby. Easy peasy.
So to give you a hint about what happened on our walk (because I'm sure I haven't totally given it away yet), I'll first show you the pictures of us when we got back to the house.
This is Ella Kate. Happy. Warm. Comfortable.
This is me. Soaked. Breathless. Sore in multiple places.
As it turned out, I got to the point in our walk where, if I continued the walk, it would take me the exact same amount of time to get back to the house as it would if I just turned around and went the way I came. The point in our walk that is the absolute farthest away from our house as any other point in the walk. The point where, of course, it started to rain.
I look at the perfectly blue sky in confusion.
I turn around to return home, and see the ominous sky behind me, completely black, with lightening striking and the wind blowing fiercely... hold on... no I got carried away. But it was overcast and ominous.
It was sprinkling, so I pulled the stroller covers over Ella, at least she would stay dry. As I walked at a faster than normal pace back towards the house, I scanned houses that we passed. I was trying to decide if there was a house that, just in case it started monsooning, I could knock on the door and ask to sit out the storm on their covered porch since, for whatever reason, I also had two dogs with me. As I got closer to the house, I realized we were going to make it. I also realized that it was now pouring. The dogs were not interested in running, but I was determined. As I'm pushing the stroller, I'm literally dragging the dogs behind me. It was getting close to the time that I needed to feed Ella, so certain parts of my anatomy were not happy with being jostled about, especially since they had already been squeezed into a size medium sports bra. My legs, which had not experienced running in many moons, were aching.
Finally, I pulled into the house, when it promptly stopped raining. It was okay, though, because we made it. Ella was dry and happy. She thought the run was pretty hysterical. She was even cool enough to sit in her bouncer while I took a super duper quick shower.
And THAT'S what I'm thankful for tonight.
I have the coolest work out buddy, who loves to do things with me. Our other new work out experience involves yoga. I have been a little down about how much weight I'm still holding on to, so I decided to try to find a work out I could do while still bonding with Ella Kate. Waiting for her to go to bed does NOT work. I'm usually exhausted by then (yes, 8 pm) and bed is the only thing on my mind. So, I found a mommy/baby yoga video. I was slightly skeptical at first, mostly because I was worried that she would not be content through the entire work out, but she totally was. Because she's so cool. Even the parts where I was not literally in her face, she enjoyed! If you're wondering what mommy/baby yoga is, it involves yoga routines that include the baby. So, instead of push ups, you do kiss ups, where you kiss your baby on the nose each time you do a push up. I didn't even realize my arms were getting a work out, because I got sweet Ella kisses and giggles every time. Or doing a warrior pose, you're holding the baby above your head, just like she loves to be held! And that's a fifteen pound weight I'm lifting!
Anyway, I'm thankful for a sweet baby who can roll with whatever craziness I throw at her, even if it means being stuck on the opposite side of the neighborhood in the rain with two dogs.
I'll set up the scene:
It was bright and sunny outside. A few fluffy white clouds dotted the sky. The weather was wonderful. The news was playing on the TV, and I recall hearing something in the background about some storms, but I was sure the warnings did not apply to me. I said the weather was wonderful, right?
(This is where, if we were reading this story in my ELA class, I would hope the students would recognize the foreshadowing that something ironic is about to happen... hit ya with two literary terms there!)
So anyway, I decide that I really want to go ALL the way around the neighborhood, instead of just around the block a couple of times. After all, the weather was wonderful. (<--alliteration.)
And, as I'm putting on my running shoes, I realize I really should take the dogs. Both of them. I never take both of them. But I was going to take both of them. And the baby. Easy peasy.
So to give you a hint about what happened on our walk (because I'm sure I haven't totally given it away yet), I'll first show you the pictures of us when we got back to the house.
This is Ella Kate. Happy. Warm. Comfortable.
This is me. Soaked. Breathless. Sore in multiple places.
As it turned out, I got to the point in our walk where, if I continued the walk, it would take me the exact same amount of time to get back to the house as it would if I just turned around and went the way I came. The point in our walk that is the absolute farthest away from our house as any other point in the walk. The point where, of course, it started to rain.
I look at the perfectly blue sky in confusion.
I turn around to return home, and see the ominous sky behind me, completely black, with lightening striking and the wind blowing fiercely... hold on... no I got carried away. But it was overcast and ominous.
It was sprinkling, so I pulled the stroller covers over Ella, at least she would stay dry. As I walked at a faster than normal pace back towards the house, I scanned houses that we passed. I was trying to decide if there was a house that, just in case it started monsooning, I could knock on the door and ask to sit out the storm on their covered porch since, for whatever reason, I also had two dogs with me. As I got closer to the house, I realized we were going to make it. I also realized that it was now pouring. The dogs were not interested in running, but I was determined. As I'm pushing the stroller, I'm literally dragging the dogs behind me. It was getting close to the time that I needed to feed Ella, so certain parts of my anatomy were not happy with being jostled about, especially since they had already been squeezed into a size medium sports bra. My legs, which had not experienced running in many moons, were aching.
Finally, I pulled into the house, when it promptly stopped raining. It was okay, though, because we made it. Ella was dry and happy. She thought the run was pretty hysterical. She was even cool enough to sit in her bouncer while I took a super duper quick shower.
And THAT'S what I'm thankful for tonight.
I have the coolest work out buddy, who loves to do things with me. Our other new work out experience involves yoga. I have been a little down about how much weight I'm still holding on to, so I decided to try to find a work out I could do while still bonding with Ella Kate. Waiting for her to go to bed does NOT work. I'm usually exhausted by then (yes, 8 pm) and bed is the only thing on my mind. So, I found a mommy/baby yoga video. I was slightly skeptical at first, mostly because I was worried that she would not be content through the entire work out, but she totally was. Because she's so cool. Even the parts where I was not literally in her face, she enjoyed! If you're wondering what mommy/baby yoga is, it involves yoga routines that include the baby. So, instead of push ups, you do kiss ups, where you kiss your baby on the nose each time you do a push up. I didn't even realize my arms were getting a work out, because I got sweet Ella kisses and giggles every time. Or doing a warrior pose, you're holding the baby above your head, just like she loves to be held! And that's a fifteen pound weight I'm lifting!
Anyway, I'm thankful for a sweet baby who can roll with whatever craziness I throw at her, even if it means being stuck on the opposite side of the neighborhood in the rain with two dogs.
Thursday, May 29, 2014
ThanksLiving Thursday: 8 Weeks
I have so many people to thank for making my maternity leave possible! Instead of taking the traditional six weeks, I opted for eight weeks. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I was determined to take eight weeks. I hadn't thought through the logistics of it and just how difficult it might be for a first year teacher to take eight weeks off. I hadn't thought about the fact that I would need to save every single sick day, and I'd still be terribly short! I didn't think about the fact that disability would not help any because I was already pregnant when I took the job (although I did not know it when I took the job, I was only a few days pregnant at that time)!
The newness of the excitement of pregnancy certainly had fogged my brain!
As soon as the fog began to clear (the newness and excitement stuck around for a while), I began to realize how unrealistic eight basically unpaid weeks was going to be. I was still a graduate student who had not had a job in over a year due to the demands of graduate school. I had no money in savings, and had not even received a paycheck at the time. I would have seven days of sick day saved up if I did not have to take any sick time. Um? A pregnant woman not get sick? Not likely!
So my first note of thanks is to my mom. She knew that she could donate some of her saved up sick time to me, and donated an entire month. We definitely could not have survived without her generosity! So, I say thanks!
My second note of thanks is to my incredible co-workers who had to fill in while I was gone. I did have a long term substitute (who also received many many thanks!), but as a Special Education teacher, there are much more responsibilities than just teaching! Many meetings had to be covered including IEP meetings, behavior Manifestation meetings, and meetings to discuss the meetings beforehand (yes, really). My students and I definitely could not have survived without my tireless co-workers! So, I say thanks, thanks, thanks!
Because of the generosity and understanding of so many people, I was able to really relax and enjoy my break and get in some good bonding time with my sweet Ella Kate. As most new mommies are, I was ordered out by a doctor for six weeks. Although I only took two more weeks, those two weeks gave me just enough time to start to get her on a routine (seriously, she started sleeping through the night at six weeks!) and prepare my new-baby-brain for going back to work.
This ThanksLiving Thursday goes out to everyone who made my eight weeks happen. You are all amazing!
The newness of the excitement of pregnancy certainly had fogged my brain!
As soon as the fog began to clear (the newness and excitement stuck around for a while), I began to realize how unrealistic eight basically unpaid weeks was going to be. I was still a graduate student who had not had a job in over a year due to the demands of graduate school. I had no money in savings, and had not even received a paycheck at the time. I would have seven days of sick day saved up if I did not have to take any sick time. Um? A pregnant woman not get sick? Not likely!
So my first note of thanks is to my mom. She knew that she could donate some of her saved up sick time to me, and donated an entire month. We definitely could not have survived without her generosity! So, I say thanks!
My second note of thanks is to my incredible co-workers who had to fill in while I was gone. I did have a long term substitute (who also received many many thanks!), but as a Special Education teacher, there are much more responsibilities than just teaching! Many meetings had to be covered including IEP meetings, behavior Manifestation meetings, and meetings to discuss the meetings beforehand (yes, really). My students and I definitely could not have survived without my tireless co-workers! So, I say thanks, thanks, thanks!
Because of the generosity and understanding of so many people, I was able to really relax and enjoy my break and get in some good bonding time with my sweet Ella Kate. As most new mommies are, I was ordered out by a doctor for six weeks. Although I only took two more weeks, those two weeks gave me just enough time to start to get her on a routine (seriously, she started sleeping through the night at six weeks!) and prepare my new-baby-brain for going back to work.
This ThanksLiving Thursday goes out to everyone who made my eight weeks happen. You are all amazing!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Life, Love, and Loss
The other day, I was putting away Ella's clean laundry and diapers. While doing so, I had laid her down in her crib to watch her butterfly mobile, something that always keeps her content long enough for me to get a few chores done (as long as I wind it back up immediately after it stops playing, that is). She was having a great time, laughing and squealing as the butterflies circled around her precious little head. I even enjoyed the third chorus of "Lullaby," her sweet sounds making it more bearable than it would have been otherwise.
And then there was no more giggling.
The butterflies continued to swirl and the music continued to play, but Ella was oddly quiet.
Still being an overprotective momma bear, I promptly investigated.
Apparently, the butterflies had lost Ella's interest. She was now laying with her head turned to the side, gazing at a quilt that was draped over the side of her crib. She had her right arm outstretched and the edge of the quilt was in her grasp. She repeatedly opened and closed her hand on the quilt, studying it closely, with a slight smile on her face. But this was not any quilt. This quilt was made by her great grandmother, Kyle's Grandma Bobbi. A quilt painstakingly put together, each fabric square purposefully deliberated on, specifically for Ella Kate.
It's funny how my mind starts to wander sometimes. Ella's fascination with the quilt made me think about how blessed she is to have the people in her life that she has. It made me think back to some of the family members that I have had the pleasure of knowing, and the ones who I have known, but lost.
I can count on one hand the number of funerals I have been to in my lifetime. That means that I have experienced very little loss. I remember the loss of my great grandfather Warner (or G-daddy, as I called him). But before that, I remember going to his house, playing with his prosthetic leg, the way my sister loved to sit in his lap, peeling potatoes on his front porch, watching the horses in the field by his house, and playing down by the creek. I remember visiting him in the nursing home when his health began to decline.
I remember his wife, Ella Mae Warner, whom Ella Kate is named after. I remember visiting her and asking her millions of questions (I couldn't believe she knew people who were born in the 1800's!). I was obsessed with making a family tree. I wanted to know everything. I was so interested in how she did things when she was younger. I was fascinated by her artistic abilities. I also, of course, wanted to know what my mom was like when she was a little girl. What kinds of things did she get in trouble for??
I remember my great grandmother Tomlinson, my Granny T. I remember being excited as she made her way across the yard from her house to my grandparents' house when we visited for Thanksgiving. I remember silly things that she did, always with a smile on her face. I remember the way she used to always win when playing cards, and the joy she got from pulling one over on someone. I remember after she passed, the feeling that she was still there, playing little tricks on people.
Ella has already experienced her first loss, but she will not remember it. It is the kind of loss that I haven't been able to put words to yet. It's my first big loss, my first adult loss. When my dad called me to talk about my Grandpa Bass's fading health, I couldn't talk about it. I listened, and understood what was happening, but I had a hard time talking. I just said cliche things about how he will be in a better place and he was a great man (both true, but but cliche).
I thought back to when I first found out he was sick. I remember my dad telling me that he had some heart problems, and that he was on medicine that made him confused. The medicine also made him lose a lot of weight quickly, and he was very cold all of the time. Maybe it was because I was pregnant at the time and my brain did not work right, but I did not understand how serious it was then. When I went to Florida for Thanksgiving, I had no idea it would be the last time I would see my Grandpa Bass. I still thought his lethargic, confused behavior was because of the medicine he was on, not because his heart condition was so severe. I wish more than anything that I could go back and really enjoy my time with him, make an effort to really remember everything he said, tell him I love him, skip Black Friday to spend time with him.
When Daddy called me to tell me that he wouldn't be around much longer, I was stunned. I didn't say much at all. The minute I got off the phone, I started sobbing, which feels especially odd when you are holding a newborn. I handed Ella off to Kyle and was only able to choke out the basics that he was not going to make it much longer. We would have to make the decision if we could make it down to Florida to see him one more time. I knew we wouldn't be able to.
A few weeks later, I was able to talk to him one last time on the phone. I was nursing Ella, and she was making sweet little sounds the whole time. Grandpa was in exceptionally good spirits. I tried to push the fact that he was dying out of my mind so I could really focus on just talking to him. I could tell that, although he was happy, he was on a lot of medication. I had a hard time understanding him, so I just tried to tell him about Ella. He said he could hear her and that she was the most beautiful baby he'd ever seen. We talked for, maybe, five minutes. And at the end of the conversation, he said the thing that breaks my heart still to think about. He told me "We'll get this thing figured out and I'll see you again soon. I love you." I told him okay, and that I loved him too.
The thing is, I know I'll see him again someday, it just hurts that I won't see him again on Earth. It doesn't make sense to me that he just won't be there in Florida. We won't get to go fishing, or shuck oysters on the back porch together. But I'll always have my memories, and he'll always be there in spirit. He'll be there in my Uncle Mike's stories, in my Uncle Danny's laugh, in my Uncle Chris's smile, and in my daddy's sense of humor.
Ella will know about all of these people, I'm too sentimental and love to tell old stories too much to let any of them truly die. Ella will someday experience a loss that will hurt her, that she will remember. But, I hope that we are able to raise her in a way that she will know that no loss is permanent. We will all be together again someday, and that's what makes life, love, and loss a beautiful thing.
It's funny how my mind starts to wander sometimes. Ella's fascination with the quilt made me think about how blessed she is to have the people in her life that she has. It made me think back to some of the family members that I have had the pleasure of knowing, and the ones who I have known, but lost.
I can count on one hand the number of funerals I have been to in my lifetime. That means that I have experienced very little loss. I remember the loss of my great grandfather Warner (or G-daddy, as I called him). But before that, I remember going to his house, playing with his prosthetic leg, the way my sister loved to sit in his lap, peeling potatoes on his front porch, watching the horses in the field by his house, and playing down by the creek. I remember visiting him in the nursing home when his health began to decline.
I remember his wife, Ella Mae Warner, whom Ella Kate is named after. I remember visiting her and asking her millions of questions (I couldn't believe she knew people who were born in the 1800's!). I was obsessed with making a family tree. I wanted to know everything. I was so interested in how she did things when she was younger. I was fascinated by her artistic abilities. I also, of course, wanted to know what my mom was like when she was a little girl. What kinds of things did she get in trouble for??
I remember my great grandmother Tomlinson, my Granny T. I remember being excited as she made her way across the yard from her house to my grandparents' house when we visited for Thanksgiving. I remember silly things that she did, always with a smile on her face. I remember the way she used to always win when playing cards, and the joy she got from pulling one over on someone. I remember after she passed, the feeling that she was still there, playing little tricks on people.
Ella has already experienced her first loss, but she will not remember it. It is the kind of loss that I haven't been able to put words to yet. It's my first big loss, my first adult loss. When my dad called me to talk about my Grandpa Bass's fading health, I couldn't talk about it. I listened, and understood what was happening, but I had a hard time talking. I just said cliche things about how he will be in a better place and he was a great man (both true, but but cliche).
I thought back to when I first found out he was sick. I remember my dad telling me that he had some heart problems, and that he was on medicine that made him confused. The medicine also made him lose a lot of weight quickly, and he was very cold all of the time. Maybe it was because I was pregnant at the time and my brain did not work right, but I did not understand how serious it was then. When I went to Florida for Thanksgiving, I had no idea it would be the last time I would see my Grandpa Bass. I still thought his lethargic, confused behavior was because of the medicine he was on, not because his heart condition was so severe. I wish more than anything that I could go back and really enjoy my time with him, make an effort to really remember everything he said, tell him I love him, skip Black Friday to spend time with him.
When Daddy called me to tell me that he wouldn't be around much longer, I was stunned. I didn't say much at all. The minute I got off the phone, I started sobbing, which feels especially odd when you are holding a newborn. I handed Ella off to Kyle and was only able to choke out the basics that he was not going to make it much longer. We would have to make the decision if we could make it down to Florida to see him one more time. I knew we wouldn't be able to.
A few weeks later, I was able to talk to him one last time on the phone. I was nursing Ella, and she was making sweet little sounds the whole time. Grandpa was in exceptionally good spirits. I tried to push the fact that he was dying out of my mind so I could really focus on just talking to him. I could tell that, although he was happy, he was on a lot of medication. I had a hard time understanding him, so I just tried to tell him about Ella. He said he could hear her and that she was the most beautiful baby he'd ever seen. We talked for, maybe, five minutes. And at the end of the conversation, he said the thing that breaks my heart still to think about. He told me "We'll get this thing figured out and I'll see you again soon. I love you." I told him okay, and that I loved him too.
The thing is, I know I'll see him again someday, it just hurts that I won't see him again on Earth. It doesn't make sense to me that he just won't be there in Florida. We won't get to go fishing, or shuck oysters on the back porch together. But I'll always have my memories, and he'll always be there in spirit. He'll be there in my Uncle Mike's stories, in my Uncle Danny's laugh, in my Uncle Chris's smile, and in my daddy's sense of humor.
Ella will know about all of these people, I'm too sentimental and love to tell old stories too much to let any of them truly die. Ella will someday experience a loss that will hurt her, that she will remember. But, I hope that we are able to raise her in a way that she will know that no loss is permanent. We will all be together again someday, and that's what makes life, love, and loss a beautiful thing.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
ThanksLiving Thursday: So Much Love!
As daylight fades, I rock Ella Kate to sleep and look around her room. I admire all of the amazing things that she has and am pleased that she has so much stuff to comfort, calm, nourish, and protect her. From the diaper on her cute little tush to the crib she sleeps in nightly, I love it all.
And then it hits me.
With the exception of a few small things, Kyle and I paid for none of it. From the diaper on her cute little tush to the crib she sleeps in nightly, we have been blessed with so many gifts from so many people who have loved Ella Kate even before she was born!
As I'm thinking about all of the generosity, I'm reminded of the showers given for us. We were quadruple blessed! We received a shower from some of my dearest friends that I have known for a very long time; we received a shower from Kyle's family for our Winston-Salem family and friends; we received a shower from my family; and we received a shower from my school! Four showers! And I can't forget about all of the gifts we were given outside of the showers from people who could not attend, or as Christmas gifts, or from people, like my mom and Kyle's aunt Alison, who just can't STOP buying things for our sweet little princess!
I was reminded again of all of the generosity as I cleaned out Ella's drawers. Can I possibly be ready to put clothing in storage?? Is it possible that she has outgrown so many outfits?? Is it possible that she's even worn so many outfits??
And that's where I'm reminded of the generosity. Ella Kate almost has more clothes than she was able to wear in each stage. Every last piece of clothing is adorable and, for the most part, I am reminded of the exact person who gave her each outfit when she wears it. Seeing her getting use out of something that was given to us out of the kindness of someone's heart makes me so happy and makes me feel a connection to that person.
So this week, my thanks goes out to all of you who have helped make our home appropriate for a tiny person through the gifts you have passed along to us. We are thankful for everything, from the diaper on her cute little tush to the crib she sleeps in nightly.
And then it hits me.
With the exception of a few small things, Kyle and I paid for none of it. From the diaper on her cute little tush to the crib she sleeps in nightly, we have been blessed with so many gifts from so many people who have loved Ella Kate even before she was born!
As I'm thinking about all of the generosity, I'm reminded of the showers given for us. We were quadruple blessed! We received a shower from some of my dearest friends that I have known for a very long time; we received a shower from Kyle's family for our Winston-Salem family and friends; we received a shower from my family; and we received a shower from my school! Four showers! And I can't forget about all of the gifts we were given outside of the showers from people who could not attend, or as Christmas gifts, or from people, like my mom and Kyle's aunt Alison, who just can't STOP buying things for our sweet little princess!
I was reminded again of all of the generosity as I cleaned out Ella's drawers. Can I possibly be ready to put clothing in storage?? Is it possible that she has outgrown so many outfits?? Is it possible that she's even worn so many outfits??
And that's where I'm reminded of the generosity. Ella Kate almost has more clothes than she was able to wear in each stage. Every last piece of clothing is adorable and, for the most part, I am reminded of the exact person who gave her each outfit when she wears it. Seeing her getting use out of something that was given to us out of the kindness of someone's heart makes me so happy and makes me feel a connection to that person.
So this week, my thanks goes out to all of you who have helped make our home appropriate for a tiny person through the gifts you have passed along to us. We are thankful for everything, from the diaper on her cute little tush to the crib she sleeps in nightly.
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
What Having a Baby Does to a Woman's Body
Pregnancy drastically changes a woman's body. This is no secret. It's obvious when a woman is pregnant, but what is not as obvious is how much her body changes after the baby arrives.
I'll break down the changes for you.
Arms:
After the baby is born, a woman's arms are immediately different. She is no longer able to do ordinary things, like eat a meal or fold laundry. She has to compensate for the sudden added bulk of her bundle of joy that is constantly residing in the crook of her arm or propped on her chest, supported by her arm. Gone are the days when she even has two arms. She may even experience the phenomena of becoming ambidextrous as her non dominant hand suddenly finds itself less submissive! The change in her arms closely correlates with the change in her...
Feet:
When a woman loses the use of at least one arm, her feet simultaneously gain new duties. Just as the new mother obsessively watches for her new baby to develop the pincer grip in its fingers, the new mother develops the same grip, only with her toes! Blankets on the floor, dropped items, coffee tables with a coveted magazine on top: nothing is out of reach of a Mommy holding a peacefully sleeping cherub! Not as long as her legs can reach it!
Breasts:
Perhaps this is the greatest change. These two items may have once been a source of a small amount of pride from the moment the mother, as a preteen, first perceived a minute change in size. The first training bra, though totally embarrassing to buy, in a public place, with her mother (of all people!) in tow, was a private trophy! Yes, these two items are no longer the same. They are now an even bigger (figuratively and literally) source of pride! They now sustain life. They are a source of nutrients, and comfort. Once the baby is born, the change that the breasts go through is one of the most important and wonderful changes in the mother's body.
Fingers:
Mommy's fingers start to look different shortly after pregnancy. Her fingernails are dull, colorless, and vary in length; strangely, she doesn't seem to mind because she suddenly finds herself with a new accessory on her fingers: a tiny fist! One of the sweetest moments I have experienced was the first moment that my tiny person wrapped her fingers around my finger and held on. Sure, it's a reflex. Baby is born with this ability. But there is bonding in that touch, and that tiny hand will continue to hold mommy's hand forever.
Heart:
A new mother's heart goes through a very strange transformation. Suddenly, mommy's heart somehow exists in two (or more when multiples are involved!) different places: inside of mommy's chest, and outside of her body in the form of her child(ren). She also experiences odd palpitations as she watches her precious angel do new things and learn new things. Her heart stops as baby teeters on her side in the midst of her first attempt at rolling over. It beats faster as baby begins to stand for the first time. It leaps into her throat when she hears a sudden piercing cry when baby is hurt, be it because of shots, teething, or gas. It doesn't even seem possible, but the piece of her heart that still remains in her chest feels even larger than it was before baby came along, as she swells with love and pride for her baby. And, in my case, mine swells with pride when I see her daddy love on her in the same way I do.
Brain:
Oh, mommy brain! No matter how well-educated the brain, it has the ability to turn to mush and go on auto pilot at the same time when the baby arrives! Lack of sleep can do crazy things to a mommy! She finds the car keys in the refrigerator, she calls the dog by the baby's name, she switches words in sentences without meaning to ("Can you diaper her change?"), and she finds herself at baby's first doctor's appointment without the diaper bag (but with the baby!). Somehow, she still gains a wealth of new knowledge without having to dedicate hours to study! New information that is vital to baby's survival takes the place of silly useless information that she used to know (seriously, where are the car keys again??) because baby is the number one thing on her mind. Conversations revolve around how long breast milk can remain in the refrigerator before going bad and the tooth that her three month old is cutting. Date nights wind up involving a trip to Babies R Us after dinner and before frozen yogurt. Baby takes over the brain. And somehow, mommy doesn't mind!
Face:
If you were unaware that a woman was a new mother, you might think that her face contradicts itself. Her smile radiates and lights up a room, while her eyes reflect the exhaustion of sleepless nights. She is miserable and exuberant at the exact same moment. Just mention the baby's name, and whatever her face had conveyed disappears and is replaced by a wide smile. Her face may not be as primed and painted as it once was, but it is the most beautiful face!
*It should be noted that most of these body changes are also seen in new daddies!
These body changes are only a few of the things that I have experienced as a new mommy. Of course, there are the negatives, such as the fact that maternity pants are too big now, and my regular pants are too small. I don't always feel glamorous, or even vaguely put together. But just remembering WHY my body has gone through these changes and the ways the changes benefit my sweet Ella Kate -- remembering that makes me feel beautiful. The way Ella looks at me when she wakes up in the morning -- that makes me feel beautiful. The way her daddy, my wonderful husband, looks at me when I'm holding her -- I know I'm beautiful to him.
(Yes, even with spit up running down my shirt that I may be wearing for the third day in a row because it's easy to nurse in!)
I'll break down the changes for you.
Arms:
After the baby is born, a woman's arms are immediately different. She is no longer able to do ordinary things, like eat a meal or fold laundry. She has to compensate for the sudden added bulk of her bundle of joy that is constantly residing in the crook of her arm or propped on her chest, supported by her arm. Gone are the days when she even has two arms. She may even experience the phenomena of becoming ambidextrous as her non dominant hand suddenly finds itself less submissive! The change in her arms closely correlates with the change in her...
Feet:
When a woman loses the use of at least one arm, her feet simultaneously gain new duties. Just as the new mother obsessively watches for her new baby to develop the pincer grip in its fingers, the new mother develops the same grip, only with her toes! Blankets on the floor, dropped items, coffee tables with a coveted magazine on top: nothing is out of reach of a Mommy holding a peacefully sleeping cherub! Not as long as her legs can reach it!
Breasts:
Perhaps this is the greatest change. These two items may have once been a source of a small amount of pride from the moment the mother, as a preteen, first perceived a minute change in size. The first training bra, though totally embarrassing to buy, in a public place, with her mother (of all people!) in tow, was a private trophy! Yes, these two items are no longer the same. They are now an even bigger (figuratively and literally) source of pride! They now sustain life. They are a source of nutrients, and comfort. Once the baby is born, the change that the breasts go through is one of the most important and wonderful changes in the mother's body.
Fingers:
Mommy's fingers start to look different shortly after pregnancy. Her fingernails are dull, colorless, and vary in length; strangely, she doesn't seem to mind because she suddenly finds herself with a new accessory on her fingers: a tiny fist! One of the sweetest moments I have experienced was the first moment that my tiny person wrapped her fingers around my finger and held on. Sure, it's a reflex. Baby is born with this ability. But there is bonding in that touch, and that tiny hand will continue to hold mommy's hand forever.
Heart:
A new mother's heart goes through a very strange transformation. Suddenly, mommy's heart somehow exists in two (or more when multiples are involved!) different places: inside of mommy's chest, and outside of her body in the form of her child(ren). She also experiences odd palpitations as she watches her precious angel do new things and learn new things. Her heart stops as baby teeters on her side in the midst of her first attempt at rolling over. It beats faster as baby begins to stand for the first time. It leaps into her throat when she hears a sudden piercing cry when baby is hurt, be it because of shots, teething, or gas. It doesn't even seem possible, but the piece of her heart that still remains in her chest feels even larger than it was before baby came along, as she swells with love and pride for her baby. And, in my case, mine swells with pride when I see her daddy love on her in the same way I do.
Brain:
Oh, mommy brain! No matter how well-educated the brain, it has the ability to turn to mush and go on auto pilot at the same time when the baby arrives! Lack of sleep can do crazy things to a mommy! She finds the car keys in the refrigerator, she calls the dog by the baby's name, she switches words in sentences without meaning to ("Can you diaper her change?"), and she finds herself at baby's first doctor's appointment without the diaper bag (but with the baby!). Somehow, she still gains a wealth of new knowledge without having to dedicate hours to study! New information that is vital to baby's survival takes the place of silly useless information that she used to know (seriously, where are the car keys again??) because baby is the number one thing on her mind. Conversations revolve around how long breast milk can remain in the refrigerator before going bad and the tooth that her three month old is cutting. Date nights wind up involving a trip to Babies R Us after dinner and before frozen yogurt. Baby takes over the brain. And somehow, mommy doesn't mind!
Face:
If you were unaware that a woman was a new mother, you might think that her face contradicts itself. Her smile radiates and lights up a room, while her eyes reflect the exhaustion of sleepless nights. She is miserable and exuberant at the exact same moment. Just mention the baby's name, and whatever her face had conveyed disappears and is replaced by a wide smile. Her face may not be as primed and painted as it once was, but it is the most beautiful face!
*It should be noted that most of these body changes are also seen in new daddies!
These body changes are only a few of the things that I have experienced as a new mommy. Of course, there are the negatives, such as the fact that maternity pants are too big now, and my regular pants are too small. I don't always feel glamorous, or even vaguely put together. But just remembering WHY my body has gone through these changes and the ways the changes benefit my sweet Ella Kate -- remembering that makes me feel beautiful. The way Ella looks at me when she wakes up in the morning -- that makes me feel beautiful. The way her daddy, my wonderful husband, looks at me when I'm holding her -- I know I'm beautiful to him.
(Yes, even with spit up running down my shirt that I may be wearing for the third day in a row because it's easy to nurse in!)
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